The statement
Are you confident? You don’t seem confident.
has more than often bothered me. My discomfort arises from a difference in perception and understanding compared to those who ask it. I often wonder if this disconnect stems from my thought processes tend to diverge from the average person, leading me to analyse things differently. So, why do I struggle with "Are you confident? You don’t seem confident" ?
Deconstructing the Question
Most often, when "Are you confident? You don’t seem confident" is directed at me, I am confident in my response. As I reflect on my reactions to "Are you confident? You don’t seem confident." it becomes clear that the issue lies in the question's premises. I resist conforming to expectations and my resistance stems from recognizing that:
- The speaker often lacks clarity about what they truly need.
- Their definition of confidence may be flawed.
- Their proposed path might be misguided.
I am unwilling to commit to their implied path, and I will explain why.
My Perspective: Confidence vs. Arrogance and Deceit
From my perspective, many people conflate confidence with arrogance and deceit, resulting in a blurred understanding of these concepts. In the following sections, I’ll share my definitions of these terms and present an imagenary scenario to illustrate my viewpoint. Through this example, I hope to clarify my understanding and reactions, highlighting the nuances often missed in conversations about confidence.
Psychological Definitions
Here are the core psychological definitions of the concepts discussed:
Confidence
A healthy state marked by realistic self-appraisal, trust in one's abilities, competence, and value, while acknowledging uncertainty due to changing conditions.
Arrogance
Inflated confidence leading to a sense of superiority, coupled with imperfect knowledge and unrealistic self-assessment, resulting in dismissive behaviour toward others.
Deceit/Lying
Deliberate misrepresentation of facts to mislead. Pathological Lying is a persistent, compulsive pattern of excessive lying to mislead and seek attention, causing significant impairment.
Narcissism
A grandiose sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, belief in being "special," need for excessive admiration, entitlement, exploitative behaviour, lack of empathy, envy, and arrogance.
Correlation and Interaction Patterns
| Trait | Confidence | Arrogance | Deceit | Narcissism | Pathological Lying |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Self-Esteem | Authentic high | Inflated/defensive | Variable | Grandiose but fragile | Often low underlying |
| Truth Orientation | Honest | Distorted for superiority | Intentionally false | Deceptive for image | Impaired reality testing |
| Social Functioning | Collaborative | Alienating | Manipulative | Exploitative | Severely impaired |
| Empathy | Present | Reduced | Absent when lying | Lacking | Compromised |
| Feedback Receptivity | Open | Defensive/rejecting | Selective | Intolerant | Poor |
An Example Scenario: Software Development
Since I am currently working as a solution architect for automation, I will build an example of software development.
Imagine someone asked me to build software Y with unprecedented features Z. I would evaluate the request, and if I possess knowledge of those features or similar experiences, I would respond:
It seems possible. We can work towards it.
A response often demanded as a confident answer is:
I will build it and deliver it in X days.
Let us analyse why my preferred response reflects confidence, while the latter can be deceitful, arrogant, or narcissistic.
"It seems possible." means I have assessed the high-level feasibility of the components and there is nothing theoretically impossible. This reflects true confidence: realistic self-appraisal, trust in abilities, and acknowledgment of skills. "We can work towards it." demonstrates that I am committed to collaborating with the requester towards achieving our goals. I understand that there may be challenges we encounter on this journey, but I will remain transparent about our progress and any obstacles we face. The likelihood of success depends on past experiences with me and my track record.
Conversely, requiring the answer: "I will build it and deliver it in X days." is actually a demand for false certainty. This demand often reveals the requester's insecurity, lack of understanding of the complexity and cultural preference for bold claims over honest assessment.
This response itself in such case is misleading, reflecting arrogance and narcissism. Claiming to complete an unprecedented task ignores the uncertainty and possibility of failure. They fail to recognize that the resources available (time, people allocated, tools for work ...) might not meet the requirements to deliver in X number of days, or that while individual components may exist, combining them could lead to failures due to incompatibility. This is the nature of such jobs. By asserting definite outcomes without acknowledging these uncertainties, one exhibits not confidence, but rather deceit.
Similarly, requesters who require agreeing to every request they raise, without evaluation, suggest they require narcissism and deceit rather then confidence. Consistent behaviour of false commitments may even represent pathological lying. In my opinion, true confidence accepts uncertainty while committing to solution-seeking.
Summary
True confidence is not about false certainty or arrogance; it is a quiet assurance that one can handle challenges while acknowledging uncertainty. By understanding and embracing this definition, we can foster an environment where confidence is about capability and humility, not bravado or deceit. As we navigate our personal and professional lives, let us strive to recognize and celebrate genuine confidence, and in doing so, create spaces where individuals can grow and thrive without the pressure of pretending to be something they are not.